The Problem
I’ve been meaning to put together this end-of-season wrap up for most of the last month. I didn’t have a creative bent to motivate my writing something fun. I mean… I won our league for the 4th time. Old hat. Lucked into it again. Same story. What was I supposed to say? “Congrats to me for surviving the randomness and luck that is fantasy football”?
The Solution
Then the Bills and Broncos happened, and suddenly I had material.
The Pegula Experience
Brandon Cooks caught the game securing overtime pass (err… fumbled it? err… didn’t catch it? err… had control of a non-catch with the ball in his possession with a knee down while being touched that turned into an interception). And Bill fans everywhere, including me, lost their ever loving minds. A few hours later, the Bills fired Sean McDermott. Terry Pegula then held a press conference with GM Brandon Beane and opened his mouth and started talking like… well, like basically all NFL owners do. Like they have all the money and no one can tell them what not to say.
“Why did you guys lose in the playoffs this year?” he was asked.
“It was a bad call. That was a catch!!” he bellowed.
“So, you fired your coach because of a bad call?”
No, he tried to clarify. And then he did what every owner does when they get too comfortable. He started cooking.
"If I could take you into the locker room after that game," Pegula said. "I looked around. The first thing I noticed was our quarterback… his head was down, crying. I looked at the other players, I looked at their faces, and our coaches. I walked over to Josh. He didn’t even acknowledge I was there. The first thing I said to him was, 'That was a catch.' We all know what I’m talking about. He didn’t even acknowledge me. He just sat there sobbing. He was listless. He gave everything he had to try and win that game, and looking around, so did all the other players on the team."
So, in Pegula’s version of events, we fired our coach because Josh cried a lot, didn’t respond to Pegula right after the game, and there was a bad call. Sounds like solid reasoning to me.
The Keon Situation (That Was Not a Situation)
But that wasn’t even the quote that caught fire. It was the Keon Coleman thing.
Bills GM Brandon Beane has been catching (well earned) heat all season for going on Bills radio and ripping the hosts for suggesting Buffalo didn’t do enough at WR last offseason (spoiler alert: outside of always lethal BSU legend Khalil Shakir, the hosts were right). In the middle of Beane trying to explain his process, Pegula jumped in with this grenade:
“I’ll address the Keon situation. The coaching staff pushed to draft Keon,” Pegula said. “I’m not saying Brandon wouldn’t have drafted him, but Coleman wasn’t his next choice. That was Brandon being a team player and taking advice of his coaching staff who felt strongly about the player. And you know, he’s taken, for some reason, heat over it and not saying a word about it. But I’m here to tell you the true story.”
Terry… there was no “Keon situation” until you brought it up.
Keon has been a disappointment, sure, and he got benched multiple games for immaturity. That part is on him. If he can’t take ownership and grow up fast, he probably won’t last long in the NFL.
Still, Pegula didn’t have to trash Keon and the coaching staff publicly just to say, “I trust Brandon and that’s why he’s still here.” Owners do this type of shooting from the hip with their lips all the time, and it made me think about how wildly unpolished NFL owners are when they get anywhere near a microphone. It’s gold.
Why This Matters
Most people will tell you owners should talk less. I disagree.
I actually want to hear from owners more often. The NFL is entertainment and wow do owners provide entertainment, and sometimes just like Pegula did this year offer a slight peek behind the curtain that coaches and GM’s guard with all they have. They’re like the dude at the party who has unlimited confidence and zero restraint. You’ll get everything loaded in that chamber. Sometimes it’s cringey. Sometimes it’s fascinating. Sometimes it’s pure comedy!
And sometimes you get gifted an owner like Jerry Jones, who is a living quote factory. He doesn’t say anything that a normal person says, and yet what he says is kind of beautiful.
So that’s the theme of this end-of-year recap: outlandish NFL owner energy but applied to our fantasy league.
Before we jump into my analysis and awards, let’s take a minute to honor the proud tradition of NFL owners saying something wild by visiting a few of the gems we’ve heard over the years.
Jerry Jones
2012: The Training Camp Opener That Accidentally Broke the Internet
During the opening press conference of Cowboys training camp, Jerry went on a long diatribe about leadership from veterans like Tony Romo and Jason Witten, then started reflecting on past championship years. That is when he delivered a sentence that no PR department could ever recover from:
“I’ve been here when it was glory ho-- days and I’ve been here when it wasn’t. Having said that, I want me some glory ho--!"
Come again Jerry? It was reported that a PR staffer had to describe to Jerry what he actually said AND what it meant. He said he had no idea! I have a hard time believing he didn’t know, and this probably was not the last time something had to be explained to Jerrah. Haha!
2016: “Circumcising the Mosquito,” AKA Do Not Overthink This, But Please Stop Talking
Fast forward to 2016. Romo is injured, the Cowboys are juggling the 53-man roster, and Jerry is trying to say there’s no sense overanalyzing the final spot because nobody out there is worth it. A normal person would say, “This isn’t complicated.”
Jerry Jones said you don’t have to spend time “circumcising the mosquito.”
I understand the point. I even respect the point. I just need to know what part of his brain is responsible for selecting that exact phrase and I want to study it. This dude would be a riot to do some counseling with.
2016: The Randy Gregory Line That Is Somehow Encouraging and Violent at the Same Time
Later that same year, Jerry was asked about Randy Gregory and the team’s willingness to stay invested despite the suspensions and setbacks. He responded on the radio with:
“He’s our baby. He may be an ugly baby, but he’s our baby.”
That is both supportive and devastating in a single sentence. Surgical! The kind of thing you can only say when you are so rich that you don’t have to worry about anything that comes out of your mouth. Love it!
Woody Johnson (Jets)
2025: The One Time a Jets Owner Accidentally Told the Truth
October at the NFL fall meetings, Dianna Russini asked Woody Johnson what makes him a good owner. This was a softball. A layup. A handoff to Marshawn Lynch at the goal-line instead of pass after pass. A normal owner gives a ten-second answer about culture, patience, facilities, family, blah blah. Woody went another direction entirely:
“Well, I’m obviously not a good owner in terms of winning.”
There is no way Russini was ready for that answer. Do not change, Woody. Not ever. The Jets are one of the league’s greatest long-running experimental teams, and you are a key producer. The AFC East needs you! The self-awareness is refreshing. The record is not and that’s just how we like it.
Jed York (49ers), featuring Jim Harbaugh (not an owner, but too good to leave out)
2014, reportedly: “This meeting is for men only.”
This one lives in NFL lore. The story goes that during the 2014 season, Jed York walked into a team meeting Harbaugh was holding and Harbaugh told him the meeting was for “men only” and basically kicked him out.
Caveat: some sources noted it was entertaining but not verified, citing that the report surprised reporters and even a league source.
So yes, it may be apocryphal. But honestly though… tell me you can’t see him saying that. I’m certifying this one as true!
Jim Irsay (Colts)
2013: Peyton Manning, “Star Wars numbers,” and one ring waved like Exhibit A
Irsay took a swing at the Manning era in a way only an owner can. The quote is basically: you can have the stats, but mostly you want the ring. These are the actual words:
“You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times… You love to have the ‘Star Wars’ numbers… Mostly, you love this,” while flashing his Super Bowl ring.
Wild brother. The casual willingness he has to talk about one of the greatest quarterbacks ever like he’s a guy who “almost got it done” is hard to fathom. Peyton dragged that franchise through years where he was basically the entire operating system, and Irsay’s out here waving the ring like a receipts clerk at customer service. Imagine an owner saying that about Aaron Rodgers. We’d get three documentaries, twelve emergency podcasts, and a spoken-word response recorded in a cabin somewhere, unless it was during an ayahuasca trip.
2022: The Upper Quartile of the Upper Quartile of Quartiles
When Irsay spoke, math became performance art. In 2022, during the Jeff Saturday era of Colts chaos, he delivered the now-famous line about being
“the fourth-winningest franchise… in the upper quartile of winners… in the top quartile of that upper quartile.”
What does that even mean? The upper quartile of the upper quartile? Whose brain works that way? That’s not a rationale for winning, that’s a kid arguing with his older brother and inventing new rules mid-sentence so he can still claim the win. This quote belongs in The Princess Bride somewhere, maybe right after “inconceivable.”
2022: Rockets to Mars, Nuclear Science, and Sausage
Same press conference, same energy. Irsay tried to downplay the job by saying,
“We don’t build rockets to go to Mars,” and then immediately followed it with the Tommy Boy sausage classic: “I don’t know how to make sausage… but I do know how to build a football team."
So now making sausage is rocket science, but building a football team is simple. Got it. Kind of. Not really. Maybe he was actually drunk during this presser. That would check out… (Too soon?)
Steve Keim (not an owner, former Cardinals GM, but a first-ballot quote)
2015: Hannibal Lecter and the 40-yard dash
This one is elite. While talking about weighing talent vs off-field concerns, Steve Keim dropped one of the most savage scouting metaphors ever:
“If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3, we’d probably diagnose it as an eating disorder.”
It’s funny, and it’s also the most honest summary of NFL decision-making you’ll ever hear. If you can fly, the league will start doing Olympic-level mental gymnastics to hand you a jersey, a signing bonus, and a 4 year contract, while politely treating the red flags like my wife’s decorations. Not useless, just minor inconveniences.
Shahid Khan (Jaguars)
2014: The Quiet Part, 100% Out Loud
Khan once summed up why NFL ownership is the greatest business model ever created:
“I love it. In the NFL, you win or you lose, and the money still shows up.”
No filter here. At. All. Nothing about grit. Nothing about legacy. Just the cleanest possible translation of the NFL’s fiscal reality. Fans want championships. Owners want guaranteed revenue. Sometimes those overlap. Sometimes they don’t. Either way, the money still shows up. I still can’t believe he said this out loud. Wait… I absolutely can.
2025 League Reality Check: The Science of Being Wrong, Again
Here’s a quick summary of 2025:
Nick (Kelly Tough) won the title with the league’s most points with (1905.94) and a point differential that looks made up (+285.80). Draft slot 11. Unethical. Unfair. I’ll take it.
Kaitlyn (Joe Buck Yourself) finished 2nd at 7-7 because the playoffs do not care about your regular season record. Josh Allen 1.01 first overall pays off. Jenson still wishes he took him over CMC.
Blair (Atwater) was the regular season hammer (11-3, Season Rank 1) and still finished 4th, because the fantasy gods love a plot twist. Rarely does the regular season leader win our league.
Josh (jdherrud) scored 1746.40 points, which is the kind of number you normally hang a banner for. Indeed he finished 9th. That’s not bad managing. That’s the schedule grabbing you by the collar taking you out to the woodshed for a whooping. And since I’m a mandated reporter, I can confirm it was strictly a verbal whooping. Just a firm, sustained, deeply personal lecture.
Now on to the part where I pretend we’re actually owners giving a sound bite.
2025 Team Report Cards + Owner Presser Quotes
Nick (Kelly Tough)
Final: 1st | Season Rank: 2 | Record: 10-4 | PF: 1905.94 | PA: 1620.14 | Diff: +285.80
Grade: A+
Best move: Two guys. Jonathan Taylor in the third was criminal early in the year. Trevor Lawrence was the difference down the stretch, and getting him in the 5th felt like stealing.
Worst move: The one freaking year I swore off Kyle Pitts, he breaks out. Meanwhile my TE room was a fight all year long. Again.
MVP: My RB room. CMC and Taylor. Not fair this year.
Defining moment: Drafting a “QB late” strategy in a superflex league. I hated my draft if I’m being honest, and then it just… worked.
Owner presser quote:
“I targeted Jonathan Taylor. Liked him better than everyone else on the board and my idiot GM waited until almost the 4th round to take him. Good thing no one else in the league knows I’m in love with Colts running backs.”
Kaitlyn (Joe Buck Yourself)
Final: 2nd | Season Rank: 6 | Record: 7-7 | PF: 1711.14 | PA: 1688.28 | Diff:+22.86
Grade: A
**Best move:**Josh Allen at 1.01, then riding him all the way to the championship round. Imagine if he didn’t have a defensive-minded head coach holding him back… wait a minute…
Worst move: Limping into the final week with an injured Davante Adams and George Kittle. If those two play, this season looks different.
MVP: Josh Allen, obviously.
Defining moment: Turning a middle-of-the-pack season into a playoff run that forced everyone to remember that all that matters is getting to the dance and seeing who performs when the lights come on.
Owner presser quote:
“I didn’t draft Josh Allen first overall to be cute. I drafted him because I’ve seen the mountaintop. I’ve seen pictures of the trophy. And if anybody wants to question it, I’ll walk you into that locker room and show you what greatness looks like. And if the championship had been played in a fair environment, we’d already have the ring on the table.”
Drew (Uncle Jrue)
Final: 3rd | Season Rank: 4 | Record: 7-7 | PF: 1725.98 | PA: 1669.68 | Diff: +56.30
Grade: A-
Best move: Drake Maye in the 6th round. Easy call. Dude may win MVP and I wish I could hate him. I actually love his game. Guy carried all year.
Worst move: Losing by 0.78 points in Week 16. Brother. I had no business winning that game and nearly sent you a congratulatory text. If Gardner Minshew doesn’t get hurt and leave that game, you have that week wrapped up. And then you would have been league champ after knocking out your wife. Brutal. Alas, she gets bragging rights.
MVP: The easy answer is Maye. But I’m going to say Bengals. Having both of their Chases carried you.
Defining moment: Week 16. Just short.
Owner presser quote:
“If I could take you into that locker room, you’d see a group that was disheartened by one thing: math. We were built to win, and we will not be defined by a mustachioed quarterback leaving a game early and a decimal point.”
Blair (Atwater)
Final: 4th | Season Rank: 1 | Record: 11-3 | PF: 1715.72 | PA: 1581.76 | Diff: +133.96
Grade: A for the season, D for the ending. 65 total points in the last game. Lowest score of the season for our entire league. That is a historic fall from grace.
Best move: Drafting Nix and JSN. Young guys with upside. You straight up picked the league breakout in JSN. Dirty. Getting Bucky and CeeDee is a close second.
Worst move: You drafted Travis Hunter in the second round! The second?!?!
MVP: Regular season. You dominated.
Defining moment: Losing Skattebo. That was the sign the season was about to turn. Only Giants fans felt it like you did. No… every NFL fan felt it when he went down. Dude is so fun.
Owner presser quote:
“I’ve held this trophy before. I know what champions look like. We were champions for fourteen weeks, and then Skattebo goes down and the postseason shows up with its little carnival games. Sixty-five points is not who we are. That’s like judging an agency’s entire book of business off one catastrophe claim and a typo on a renewal. It just ain’t honest.”
Jeff (Over the Taysom Hill)
Final: 5th | Season Rank: 5 | Record: 7-7 | PF: 1679.58 | PA: 1626.66 | Diff: +52.92
Grade: B+
Best move: Puka. Easy. Unfair advantage at keeper.
Worst move: Had to be your QB room. JJ McCarthy, Shough, Rivers, Ewers, Tua, etc. Hard to win in a superflex league with no real QB.
MVP: Jahmyr Gibbs, purely for that 49.9 point week. Ridiculous.
Defining moment: Picking up Rivers off the couch. If that prayer would have worked for the Colts, it would have answered yours too.
Owner presser quote:
“Our organization believes in versatility. We will start anyone, anywhere, at any age, at any skill level, at any time of the day, at any location, and if you’re asking about the quarterback room I’d just say look, we’ve got a lot of options, we’ve got guys, we’ve got vibes, we’ve got experience, we’ve got youth, we’ve got a man who was on a couch recently but that couch was a leadership couch and leadership travels, and when you have Puka and Gibbs doing what they do you don’t need to overthink a little thing like ‘who is the second quarterback,’ because that’s where people get in trouble, they start circumcising mosquitos, and then all of a sudden they forget football is about willpower and adaptability and sometimes it’s about saying a prayer and picking up Philip Rivers and seeing what happens, and frankly if you don’t understand that then you don’t understand us, or football and that’s fine, because we’re not here to be understood.”
Jaxson (Texasforever)
Final: 6th | Season Rank: 3 | Record: 8-6 | PF: 1652.48 | PA: 1660.82 | Diff: -8.34
Grade: B
Best move: 8 wins and a top-3 regular season finish is legit.
Worst move: Burrow didn’t pay off enough down the stretch. You gave up three studs and only got two back. Blair got you on that trade. Quinshon getting hurt didn’t help either.
MVP: Stafford. Just like it should turn out this year in the NFL.
Defining moment: Week 15. Judkins, Tet McMillan, Egbuka, Bowers, and Burrow all had under 10 points. That’s brutal given what they did most of the year.
Owner presser quote:
“We’re close. This team’s like a brisket that’s been on the smoker all day, and right when it’s supposed to be perfect, somebody opens the lid and lets all the heat out. That Week 15 was somebody opening the lid. And listen, it’s a BYU-built organization over here, so we’re gonna stay polite, we’re gonna smile, we’re gonna shake your hand, and then we’re gonna go right back to work and come for the trophy with a stronger testimony and a deeper roster.”
Josh (Rafi Bomb)
Final: 7th | Season Rank: 8 | Record: 7-7 | PF: 1641.76 | PA: 1664.94 | Diff: -23.18
Grade: B-
Best move: Staying in the fight all season and never fully falling apart. I loved your roster at the outset, but something was off with Hurts and the Eagles this year. If he has basically any other season from the past couple of years, you’re in the playoffs with a real shot.
Worst move: Finishing 7th, which is fantasy purgatory. Too good to clown properly, too mid to cause damage.
MVP: Probably Love, but I really want to say Fanin. Who saw that coming at TE for a terrible team?
Defining moment: Winning the consolation bracket. Your season had Washington Wizards written all over it: .500 energy, occasional heat-check weeks, and then right back to the middle of the pack like it’s your natural habitat.
Owner presser quote:
“We are not rebuilding. We are not retooling. We are not evaluating. We are reloading, and frankly I don’t recognize seventh place as an official outcome. I think it’s a clerical area between playoffs and embarrassment. If Hurts plays like Hurts, we’re not standing here doing geometry on point differential. Look, I’m a Giants fan, so I’ve seen what happens when one weird bounce turns into a full-blown crisis and suddenly you’re debating whether John Harbaugh could save the franchise, whether Skattebo was the chosen one, whether the offensive line is cursed, and then you snap back and realize you’re still just one good run away from being dangerous. And that’s exactly what this team is: dangerous, reloading, and we will be back next year. Period.”
Bradley (Snickle Frits)
Final: 8th | Season Rank: 10 | Record: 6-8 | PF: 1677.00 | PA: 1760.36 | Diff: -83.36
Grade: C
Best move: Javonte Wiliams. Easy Call. RB 11 overall in the 14th round. Come on…
Worst move: Existing on the same schedule as the league’s highest Points Against. That’s pretty brutal. I think that’s happened to you a couple of times over the years.
MVP: Williams. Or Darnold. I honestly didn’t expect him to be as good as he was this year.
Defining moment: Probably Weeks 10 and 11. Those two losses were winnable matchups and cost you the playoffs.
Owner presser quote:
“This season was a case study in negative externalities and opponent outcome distribution. We optimized roster construction and still absorbed the league’s highest Points Against, which means our weekly win probability was basically held hostage to other people’s ceiling outcomes. If the season were rerun 100 times with identical roster inputs and a neutral opponent distribution, we make the playoffs more often than we miss, and in a meaningful percentage of those simulations we’re not just in, we’re dangerous, we’re in the upper quartile of outcomes, and frankly in the top quartile of that upper quartile when you account for roster value and weekly decision quality. ”
Josh (jdherrud)
Final: 9th | Season Rank: 9 | Record: 6-8 | PF: 1746.40 | **PA:**1709.94 | Diff: +36.46
Grade: C+ with a sympathy clause
Best move: Drafting a roster that scored like a contender. Lamar plus Dak in superflex is usually a weekly advantage, Achane gave you real firepower, and Marks was a solid snag. You built a WR room that had “this could be terrifying” written all over it. On paper, it was a playoff team. In points, it was a playoff team. In reality, it was simply disappointing.
Worst move: Two-part problem.
You bet on the second-year breakout double with Brian Thomas and Worthy and it didn’t pay. Not a crime, just bad timing.
The real crime: you spent zero FAAB. Not one dollar. Which is wild because your roster was close enough that one or two moves could have flipped weeks.
MVP: 1746.40. Second-best Points For and you finished ninth. You had a better point differential than Kaitlyn, who finished second. That is sick work by the universe.
Defining moment: The middle-season stretch where it looked like you were about to sneak in, and then the league schedule did you no favors. The story of your season is not “that’s a bad team.” The story is “dude had a good team, brutal variance, and no waiver aggression.”
Owner presser quote:
“We believe in the process, and the process was elite. Lamar, Dak, Achane, being patient with Rice, the whole thing. What we do not believe in is waivers, because once you start spending FAAB you are basically admitting the original plan wasn’t perfect, and I will not live that way. We lost a few games strictly because everyone chose to play their best week against us, which is flattering if you think about it, and yes, in hindsight, maybe one or two moves could have helped, but we did not come here to chase noise. We came here to be correct, and next year we will be better. We’ll be even more correct.”
Brian (Team 15)
Final: 10th | **Season Rank:**7 | **Record:**7-7 | **PF:**1648.46 | PA: 1717.88 | Diff: -69.42
Grade: C-
Best move: You drafted like Matthew Berry for four rounds. Jacobs and Cook as your RB anchors was legit, and the rest of the RB room actually hit too. Dobbins was a cheat code you got late in the draft until the injury gods remembered they forgot to claim him again. Gainwell was a nice snag as well.
Worst move: Everything that happened after you left the running back aisle in the draft. Kupp, Addison, Kirk, Coleman at WR in half PPR gave you… a low floor and a low ceiling. You needed weekly separation and instead you got “questionable” tags, decoy cardio, and one single moment where Keon Coleman did something cool (Week 1) and then went AWOL the rest of the season.
**MVP:**The brand. Team 15. I’m still not sure what to make of it. Was it a statement that this roster could finish worse than the maximum number of teams we’ve ever had? An ode to Bart Starr? Mahomes? Raptor Vince Carter? Megan Rapinoe? Jokic? Did you just attend a quinceañera and the number followed you home? Fun nugget: in numerology, 15 is associated with harmony and balance. Coincidental that your record ended at 7-7? It appears not. You didn’t draft a team, you drafted a concept.
Defining moment: A .500 record with a not .500 finish, which is its own kind of tragedy. You hovered in the middle just like the beloved Jeff Fisher. Never great, never terrible and always employed.
Owner presser quote:
“Look, we were competitive, we were consistent, and we were beige, and beige is underrated because beige is dependable and dependable wins championships, and we had backs, we had real backs, Jacobs, Cook, Gainwell, Dobbins before the whole injury situation, and then people want to talk about receivers like it’s a beauty contest, but football is trench work, it’s grown man work, and yes you can put lipstick on a pig and take it home to meet your mother. Team 15 is a brand, it’s a movement, it’s harmony and balance, and seven and seven is a very stable number if you understand math.”
Weston (Ertz2Hurtz)
Final: 11th | Season Rank: 11 | Record: 4-10 | PF: 1529.66 | PA: 1640.66 | Diff: -111.00
Grade: D+
Best move: Drafting.
Worst move: Not managing your team all season. Look man, I know you had to use a computer to set your lineup instead of a fancy smartphone that lets you have questionable apps. As your dad, I have a duty to take you back to a time when everything wasn’t easy. You want to know what fantasy football was like in my day? It started way back when there were newspapers. I believe the year was 1998. The Post Register let you submit your team and they would calculate the points for you, and you’d have to wait a week to see your score. The details are fuzzy, so don’t ask, but I remember a guy by the name of Chris Chandler who led a group of Dirty Birds and my fantasy team to a place where my team name was in the newspaper. MY NAME. You don’t even know what that kind of publicity does for a fragile ego. So forgive me if you were asked to hop onto a computer and make a few lineup changes.
MVP: Me and the rest of the league for reminding you to set your lineup weekly.
Defining moment: Week 1, when it became apparent that weekly roster observation would be a real challenge.
Owner presser quote:
“I’m coming into my prime. This is my era. I just wanted to see if Dad could handle a little adversity without writing a 900-word essay about the 1998 newspaper standings. He couldn’t. Look, I respect my dad, I really do, he’s been doing this a long time and he thinks he invented fantasy football, but I’m built different, and the only reason this season looked the way it did is because I wanted him to feel useful, and next year I’m setting my lineup, spending FAAB, and taking the trophy, because I’m done letting a middle-aged man gatekeep fantasy football like it’s dial-up internet.”
Joel (Face planting)
Final: 12th | Season Rank: 12 | Record: 4-10 | PF: 1449.16 | PA: 1742.16 | Diff: -293.00
Grade: F, but historically important. First guy to go from league champ to a last-place finish in our league. Well done.
Best move: Being the league’s most honest team name. Could not have been more on the nose.
Worst move: Literally everything else.
MVP: Gravity.
Defining moment: Going from 2024 champ energy to 2025 face plant, which is the most fantasy outcome possible.
Owner presser quote: He steps to the mic like Bill Belichick after a Thursday night loss. Jaw set. Eyes dead. Face saying, “I have to be here because it’s in the bylaws.”
“Look, idiots. We are not failing. We are creating draft position leverage for the future. Don’t question me. I’m a happy man now. I didn’t fall off a cliff, I strategically relocated to the bottom of the standings to control the board. It’s chess, not checkers. Next question.”
2025 Awards
The “Upper Quartile of the Upper Quartile” Award
Blair (Atwater)
Fourteen weeks of dominance, then the playoffs showed up and swapped his roster with a Kenny and Chuck gone fishing photo. Historic regular season. Postseason was a prank call.
The “Woody Johnson Self-Awareness” Award
Joel (Face planting)
A team name so accurate it should be admissible in court. First ever champ-to-last speedrun. The honesty was elite. The results were… consistent.
The “Keim Hannibal Lecter Award” (Fast Enough to Make Us Ignore Everything Else)
Nick (Kelly Tough)
Commissioner. Most rings. Suspiciously efficient. The red flags are waving, the stopwatch says 4.3, and suddenly we are all like, “Seems fine. Great teammate. High character.”
The “This League Is Rigged” Award
Josh (jdherrud)
Second in Points For. Ninth place finish. That’s not bad luck, that’s a misdemeanor. Somebody audit the standings.
The “Points Against Terrorist” Award
Bradley (Snickle Frits)
1760.36 points against. That’s not a schedule, that’s a hit list. Every opponent played you like it was their Super Bowl.
The Beige Leadership Award
Brian (Team 15)
Competitive. Consistent. Beige. A stable RB foundation, then the WR room gave him a dead-fish handshake, said “great connecting,” and never called again. A perfectly stable 7-7, delivered with no seasoning.
The “You Had No Business Losing That” Award
Drew (Uncle Jrue)
Week 16 by 0.78. That’s not a loss, that’s a paper cut that somehow needs stitches. You stare at the box score and it stares back like, “Yeah, I did it. What are you gonna do about it?”
The “Economy to First Class Upgrade” Award
Kaitlyn (Joe Buck Yourself)
Spent most of the season riding coach with the rest of the working class, then got bumped to first class right when it mattered and started ordering playoff wins like they were free peanuts. Elite timing. Annoying to everyone else. Respect. And now she’s tied for the league lead with two second-place finishes, which means it’s officially time to stop collecting silver medals and finish the job.
The “Philip Rivers Off the Couch” Award
Jeff (Over the Taysom Hill)
Most people stream defenses. Jeff streamed a retired father of twelve. For one glorious moment, it felt like the Colts might answer a prayer and incidentally answer Jeff’s too.
The “Trade Tribunal” Award
Jaxson (Texasforever)
A big swing trade that felt like a statement and later read like a cautionary tale. Sometimes you win the deal. Sometimes the deal wins you. This one sent Blair home with your wallet and a smile.
The “Consolation Crown” Award
Josh (Rafi Bomb)
People mock the consolation bracket until they win it. Then it’s “momentum” and “culture” and “we’re building something.” Hang the banner, brother.
The “Set Your Lineup” Award
Weston (Ertz2Hurtz)
Roster had potential. Manager had homework. Week after week, league watched a perfectly capable team get sabotaged by adolescence and the absence of a login. C’mon, man!
Closing
Alright, I’ve filibustered long enough. If you read this whole thing, you deserve a compensatory draft pick and a handwritten apology. Thanks for letting me masquerade as someone with comedic value.
Seriously though, I appreciate you. This league is one of my favorite traditions because it’s stupid on purpose, and for a few months a year it delivers way too much joy. Thanks for setting lineups, playing along, pretending we understand probability, and acting surprised every single time probability punches us in the mouth.
Now the part nobody wants to hear from the guy holding the trophy again: I genuinely want a new winner next year. Not because I’m suddenly humble, but because we’ve seen enough reruns. I want fresh pain. I want fresh joy. I want a brand new name on that trophy so I can write paragraphs I don’t want to write, but absolutely will.
My official 2026 wish list:
Somebody new wins it. Seriously. Please.
Jdherrud spends at least one FAAB dollar. Just one.
The Seahawks or Broncos win the Super Bowl in February. I don't think I could stomach Rams vs Patriots.
We clone Cam Skattebo and put him on every team. Everyone needs a guy like that to root for.
The Bills get the coaching hire right and let Josh Allen look like he’s having fun again.
As for what I’m doing with the winnings this year? I’ve learned from past mistakes.
Last time I bought a Bills jersey like a responsible adult is supposed to in our league. The Bills continued to do Bills things, and now I have to stare at that fabric in my closet like it’s cursed until preseason rolls around again.
So this year? I’m thinking bigger. I’m thinking Bills trough urinals. Not a jersey. Actual old-stadium trough technology. Full commitment. I want guests to walk into my house and immediately understand this is a home built on sacrifice, heartbreak, and 1970s urinary relief engineering. It wouldn’t be décor. It would be heritage.
Just kidding. Bills fans are animals, those things are going to go for the price of a used Honda. I cannot wait to see the final bid.
Love you degenerates. See you at the draft. Please, for the love of parity, somebody else win next year. Go Bills (and Broncos and Hawks)!